


Gay Emblem: Story of the Scared Stones

by YayaSamuko



Category: Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones
Genre: And lot of characters, F/F, Gen, Lot of gayness, M/M, Probably some romance, Too badass characters, What the fuck am I reading, Yaoi genre, Yuri genre, too much gayness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2018-12-12 07:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 19,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11732457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YayaSamuko/pseuds/YayaSamuko
Summary: As the war broke out, king Fado has decided to hire a tacticians to help Eirika on her mission. Unfortunately for the young Mark, everyone in the army he is going to command is only composed of gay crazy and psychopathic people. [Inspired by 'Plight of the Lycian Army' by MetaDash]





	1. The Fall of Renais

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MetaDash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaDash/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem. Nintendo and company do. Also, MetaDash senpai has given me their approval to write this.
> 
> Warning: Lot of gayness ahead!

**Attention to all**  - The empire of Grado has declared war against Renais as well and king Fado has hired me, Mark the tactician, to arrange the strategies and funds that we are going to use during this war. Please be careful on the battlefield because we only have one life. Also, please refrain from doing anything shameless!

 **Eirika**  - I understand that it is your first time doing a real battle but that didn't mean you had to swing your rapier in all direction and laugh like a maniac. That only made these fighters more determined to kill us.

 **Seth**  - I know that you are very proud to be the Jagen archetype of this serie and can one-shot most enemies in early levels but dropping your sword and using a wooden stick as a weapon to "have a fair handicap against the enemies" is not needed.


	2. Escape!

**Breguet**  - Please stop trying to taunt Seth by saying that he fucked with the wrong pussy when he missed you once. Shall I remind you he has a silver lance and that think can inflict lot of damage to low level units like you.

 **Eirika**  - I am forbiding you from visiting a house until you mature! I understand that you wanted to be polite by refusing that gold from that old man but threatening to cut his throat when he insisted was no very kind as a reaction. No! He telling him to save it to buy a prostitute is not a solution either!

 **Franz**  - Welcome to this little group, young one. Please stop trying to imitate General Seth by attacking soldiers with a sword! I know that soldiers are joke; slow and weak but shall I remind you you are not the toughest cavalier ever? Look at the massive lance wound on your chest! Go drink a couple of vulnerary!

 **Guillam**  - I don't know why but I already don't like you... You freaking missed that soldiers three times in a row. I know that an armored Knight is slow but that definitely was very lame, especially when that fighter almost killed you.

 **Seth**  - Please stop only using your sword to fight against lance users! I know that you don't want to use your silver lance yet in battle but then holding it like it was a baby when Breguet has attempted to steal it was very lame.


	3. The Protected

**Breguet**  - I see that you have some sense left... After seeing Seth castrate that soldier was enough to make you surrender and join our side... Well...Welcome in that case. I will have Guillam and Franz keep a close eye on you.

 **Eirika**  - Princess! Please wear a scarf, I am begging you! I know that Princess Tana was very happy to see you safe but then accepting to go to her room and then coming back with lot of red marks on your neck is too much. What? That has already happened a lot? I-I see...so, you're fine with it...

 **Franz**  - I am forbidding you to wield a lance anymore until we do not uncounter bandits anymore! Has no one already taught you about a certain thing called "weapon triangle"? Now, go find Moulder to heal you. Your head is bleeding like hell and you don't have any vulnerary left.

 **Garcia**  - I have to thank you for helping us fighting these ruffians but I shall teach you something that every axe user shall know: axes are inacurate and heavy so stop trying to hit that archer who hid in the woods and go visit that visit at the south to inform them.

 **Guillam**  - I already hate you so much! Breguet has more defense than you and always hit the enemies. I didn't think I would do something like this this early but... You are benched! Give me your weapons!

 **Moulder**  - Oh God! Please go hide in the woods and only go out to heal the others while I say so. Your defense is garbage and anyone can land a crit on you.

 **Seth**  - It was very nice for you to go visit that village and accepted that red gem as a gift. However, I have to inform you that they shall cost 5000 when sold at the armory and not 50! How could the silver general got tricked like that?

 **Ross**  - Holy crap! Get back behind Seth and only throw your hachette when I tell you to. Your defense is garbage and most of the enemies here can either one-shot or double you question speed!

 **Vanessa**  - Stop throwing javelins at an archer! Are you insane or do you hace a death wish? Go find Moulder to heal you and your pegasus!


	4. The Bandits of Borgo

**Breguet**  - What were you thinking? Trying to solo the level? Are you dumb or what? Most of these enemies have axes for damn's sake!

 **Colm**  - Stop trying to steal from the members of this army! I know that you are a thief so your job is to go unlock the chesses and not go look for "some nice chests". I swear I will castrate you if any of the girls conplain!

 **Eirika**  - Wow! I have to say I was surprised. You literally one-shooted that brigand for saying that your brother is ugly. Okay! I admit it was fair that you killed him but feeding him to Titania was not very nice of you. Now, Vanessa is having a hard time riding her pegasi.

 **Franz**  - When I gave you a javelin at the beginning of the level, I didn't mean you to brag about it to the others. Now, Breguet is annoying me that I give him a steel lance. Thank you! No; you are not welcome. It was sarcasm! Sarcasm!

 **Garcia**  - I was surprised when that bandit threw his hand axe at you but you hit it with your axe instead of avoiding it. What surprised me the most is that the bandit too took another axe and hit it, sending it back to you and the two of you then started throwing that hand axe at each others as if it was a ball of tennis... I am left speechless.

 **Guillam**  - No! I am not giving you your weapons back. We don't need an armored Knight yet so how about you count how much money we have left.

 **Moulder**  - I want to bench you as well but we don't have any other healer and Franz already wasted all our vulneraries so just hide behind General Seth and try not to draw attention.

 **Neimi**  - Please stop crying, damn! Yes, that bandit has insulted your haircut and what? Just grab your bow and arrow and go shoot at every enemy you see instead of just sulking there.

 **Ross**  - Let go of that iron axe! You are not to go join your dad with that tennis contests. You don't have enough strength nor defense. In fact, I found a new job for you: go become Father Moulder's bodyguard.

 **Seth**  - Just because I gave you a javelin doesn't mean you have to drop your other weapons and go "tank" the other enemies. Javelins are to be thrown, not used to solo a level!

 **Vanessa**  - Are you all right? Here! Give these medicines to your pegasi. Also, how the hell did a pegasi devour someone? I thought they were herbivores.


	5. The Empire's Reach

**Attention all** \- We have finally arrived at Sarafew, meaning we go in the enemy territory. I am expecting everyone to be twice as careful as to avoid useless engagement and train more since we're going to face tougher enemies.

 **Artur** \- When I told you to go buy us some vulneraries at the shop, I didn't mean for you to give them all to Franz. Now, go back to the shop and go buy some staves instead.

 **Breguet** \- Of course, you have surrender and joined us, meaning that you are a traitor of Grado now. However, you didn't have to headbutted Murai because he whimpered that he was going to tell the commander Tirado.

 **Colm** \- I should stop you right away. When Vanessa and Lute were talking about pegasi's way of reproduction, asking them if they could have a "girl-on-girl is hot scene" was very rude. Now, go find Franz and ask him to give you some ice because that kick must have hurt.

 **Eirika** \- I'm so happy to see you sane once again. However, I am very worried about these red marks on your neck and that kiss mark on your cheek. What? It was Lady l'Arachel who did that? What exactly did happen when you were alone with her? No; I am not a perverted yuri fan just because I was "interested" in your night with Lady l'Arachel!

 **Franz** \- It's official; I'm going to call you "the vulnerary waster"! Now, go protect Sister Natasha from these bandits!

 **Garcia** \- Get away from that mercenary! Do I have to remind you about the weapon triangle? What should you do I that case, you ask? You could go to the arena and earn some money.

 **Guillam** \- What do you think you were doing? Just because you found a torch didn't mean you hat to lit it amd throw it at the enemies and then laugh as they were screaming because their hair was burning. Torches are used in fogs and during the night! Though, what you did was very cool so I will let it pass.

 **Joshua** \- Welcome, lucky one! I have to admit that you are a great unit. Winning three times in a row at the arena was really something. Now, stop asking Artur to do a bet with you! He's a monk for crying!

 **Lute** \- When I allowed Vanessa and you to remain close to each others didn't mean you had to always ride Titania, the two of you, and hold hands during the whole battle. I DO know you are our best magic user but please focus on burning everything first and the of you could get all "lovey-dovey" later.

 **Moulder** \- Sister Natasha is better than you in everything but since Franz is a real pain and we need to keep a permanent eye on Ross, I will allow you to use another heal staff. Now; go and heal every injured ally you see!

 **Natasha** \- Welcome into our little army! Please just ignore the craziness and just heal every ally you see that are wounded. Unfortunately, their soul/mind can't be healed so just focus on the physical wounds.

 **Neimi** \- Way to do it, girl! You literally are the MVP of this level. Giving you that Killer Bow that he stole from the thieves' HQ was the best choice Colm has ever made.

 **Ross** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Pirate! Your defense is still garbage though so do not get too far from Father Moulder. Also, stop adding "aargh" at the end of everything yoy say! Just because you are a pirate doesn't mean you have to actually talk like on. Stop swearing!

 **Seth** \- Drop thag soap! You are not going to wash Ross' mouth! In fact, give it to me; I'm going to do it myself. You just go buy us some equipment at the shop.

 **Vanessa** \- Wow! I have to admit that giving Lute a surprise kiss in front of everyone as to distract them left me speechless. That gave Colm enough time to sneak in and stole their weapons. At least, the enemies has surrendered. However, I am forbidding the two of you from doing that again in public! Franz is already giggling like an idiot. No; I am not homophobic just because... We are not having this discussion once again!


	6. Victims of War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We will just skip the "unbroken heart" chapter and will just continue with Eirika and company's shenanigans.

**Artur** \- I am counting on you to defeat these shamans! Here is a shine tome and a vulnerary! Please just wait until the others are done defeating the Fighters and Cavaliers enemies before processing in.

 **Breguet** \- Just because I gave you a torch didn't mean you had to throw it at the enemies just because you wanted to look as cool as Guillam. Now; get back here! That Fighter is holding a hammer and believe me: if you're an Armored Knight, you'd better get very far away from them.

 **Colm** \- Stop hiding behind these bushes and go lead our way! We need your vision ability for this battle. Wait! What is that piece of paper in your hand? A yuri adult Roman? You write books now? I don't have anything against it but I really would rather you stop writing and take the lead.

 **Eirika** \- Princess! Get back here! That Armored Knight is wielding a horseslayer! You might not be a horse rider but you're still a sword user and believe me, these things hurt. No; a rapier doesn't go against weapon triangle! Here is a lancerehaver instead and make sure you don't engage against an axe user while using it.

 **Franz** \- You idiot! Just when I told the Princess to get away from that Knight, you had to go there... Go find Sister Natasha since I don't want to waste another vulnerary on you.

 **Garcia** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Warrior! Yes; I know that that defy the logic of the game but the game itself was everything but logic since story-wise, you, Moulder and Guillam are supposed to be very famed and talented warriors yet your stats are very lame.

 **Guillam** \- Just when I told Breguet to get away from that Fighter... Do you have a death wish?

 **Joshua** \- You are a killing machine, I admit, but you're not as awesome as Rutger. Stop bragging that you are the Master of Swordsmen!

 **Lute** \- Why are you still pouting? I properly apologized. What? You want me to organize a wedding between Vanessa and you? You can't be serious! No; just because I am not willing yet to marry two girls right away doesn't mean... *sigh* You know what, go find bible and let's end this quick!

 **Moulder** \- Thank you for volunteering to become the priest who is going to marry Lute and Vanessa. I am very surprised that you don't mind the fact that they are both girls and yet very young... Wait! Why are you crying? Tears of happiness? *sigh*

 **Natasha** \- Please take this torch staff and just go after General Seth to rescue these civilians meantime. I still have to arrange the "invitations" and draw a picture of white Lillies with the initials L  & V until this battle is over.

 **Neimi** \- I know how much of a crybaby you are and I understand you were too happy for Lute and Vanessa but then crying that you wanted to find the girl of your dream soon was a little overdoing it.

 **Ross** \- No; you can't become Lute and Vanessa's future children's godmother for two reasons: one, two girls can't make baby and two, you are a man so you can't be a godmother for fuck's sake.

 **Seth** \- Go kill that giant spider, handsome! I sent Sister Natasha and Joshua to assist you. However, it looks like it was not needed since you already made barbeque out of that spider when the reached you. How did you even prepare all that in just half an hour? You used to be a chief before joining the army? I see...

 **Vanessa** \- Congratulations, Mrs. Lute! I hope you are satisfied now! Now, go rescue these hostages so you could share some "great time" with your wife later.


	7. Waterside Renvall

**Attention** **all** \- Fort Rigard is right in front of us! I will ask everyone to process carefully and in group and... After a long though, please just do as you wish. Just remember to leave no survivor and do not die.

 **Artur** \- It was very nice from you to allow that archer attack first because you wanted to look like a gentleman but it as very reckless of you. That plus the fact that you then politely pointed out that she missed, causing her more determined to kill you.

 **Breguet** \- Go to the frontline as a wall against these soldiers! Yes; I know that they are pitiable but so are our sword users' defense.

 **Colm** \- When I told you to steal the Knight Cress that the boss was holding, I didn't mean you to cut his hand off when he refused to hand it to you. However, I still have to congratulate you for that act, especially compared to your joke strength.

 **Eirika** \- What you did to that balista rider was a little cruel, don't you think? True enough, he was a pain but cutting his ten fingers before debating wherever you should kill him or not was too cruel. Especially considering that you let him live, only for Ross to get to him and smash him instead.

 **Franz** \- Get away from that cavalier! He can double you and has more strength and defense than you. The very little damage you inflict will just be healed back by the gate. You ask how a gate can heal? I don't know and seriously don't want to know to be honest.

 **Garcia** \- Here; take this bow and go train your bow level some little. Who knows if that might come in handy someday.

 **Guillam** \- Go after Breguet and tank these soldiers down! I know that there are also archers in that direction and your defense is very lame but at least, you still have more health than Ross for now so go!

 **Joshua** \- Here is another killing edge and go kill everything that moves! I will be expecting you to defeat the boss.

 **Lute** \- I know that you want to spent together time with your wife but could you please assist us a little? Titania is not for the two of you to have romantic rides but to assist a Pegasus rider.

 **Moulder** \- You really are useless! That balista almost killed you if it wasn't for Sister Natasha who saved you in time. I so want to bench you but since we are short-handed, I will just assign you at the rear formation.

 **Neimi** \- Nice job getting that balista and shooting mercilessly at the soldiers! Not so good job though when you burned it after realizing that it couldn't cross forests and lakes. You almost burned said forest in process if it wasn't for Garcia and Seth who quickly started to play the firemen by extincting the fire with the enemies' blood. Yes; I know it's very gross but please stop crying! We still have a fort to capture.

 **Ross** \- Here is a medal! You've gained that right after fully undressing in front of everyone, jumped into the water and walked out of it with one kilogram of fish. I have nothing more to add! Just give these fishes to Father Moulder so he can prepare us some sushi.

 **Seth** \- Could you please remove that fireman outfit now? I know that you look very cool in it when you were taking care of the fire but it is becoming very ridiculous now that we are about to enter the fort.

 **Vanessa** \- When I told you to be more active on the battlefield, I didn't mean for you to make out with Lute in the middle of the battlefield. Now, Colm is drooling like a maniac and Neimi is crying out of jealousy.


	8. It's a Trap!

**Attention** **all** \- We've successfully got into for Rigard! Our mission is to join force with the Prince Ephraim and defeat Tirado.

 **Artur** \- Go take care of these Shamans, I am begging you! Get very far away from that thief. He has already stolen your shoes without you noticing it.

 **Colm** \- It was very kind of you to steal back Artur's shoes from that thief but then asking him money before giving them back was very stupid. He is a monk! Please respect him? What? He said that he was broke and was fine walking barefoot? That wasn't a reason to give these shoes back to the enemy thief and propos them to buy it half the price!

 **Eirika** \- I know that you were very happy to see your brother again but then telling him that you rilled a woman in your tent's bed when he asked you what did he miss meantime was not needed.

 **Ephraim** \- Please lower your lance! I was not the one who made her sleep with Lady l'Arachel. Blame Franz for putting weed in your soup.

 **Forde** \- Welcome into this little army! Please focus a little into the battle instead of drawing whatever you like to call it. What? You are actually a renowned mangaka and the author of the yaoi Ike x Soren delinquent doujinshi? I don't care! Just grab your sword and go to the frontline! Kyle is having a hard time against these Fighters.

 **Franz** \- Why are you glaring at me like this? It's not my fault that the Prince has headbutted you for giving weed to his sister. Now, since you are still alive, take this steel lance and go kill your frustration by killing some enemies.

 **Garcia** \- Wow! You practically surprised me like no one has ever did. You managed to crit Tirado not once but twice with a hammer, making the remaining enemies shit in their pants. Wow!

 **Guillam** \- Just because you are an Armores Knight doesn't mean you have to walk in slow motion! Just hurry up! You are the only unit who hasn't killed anyone yet since we seized the gate.

 **Joshua** \- You are badass; I know that but using your sword to remove mud from your shoes and then throwing said mud at the enemies to blind them was too much. At least, you have better accuracy than Ross with throwing things.

 **Kyle** \- No; I am not calling you Toyota just because you too want to have a cool (car) matching name with Forde. Now, go defeat their archers! Vanessa is too distracted and they have made her their target.

 **Lute** \- When these archers were aiming at Vanessa, I have to admit it was very basass from you to roast them with the thunder spell and then fed their remains to Titania. I feel very sorry for that poor pegasi.

 **Moulder** \- You made the best sushi we ever ate! You suck in the battlefield but your cooking is awesome. Give me your staves and take this apron and ustencils. The Prince said he want roast beef for dinner.

 **Natasha** \- Now, you are our ony healer left so I am expecting you to remain focused. Your reaction when Forde revealed his pen name as an author was not to scream like a fangirl and ask for a dedicate because you love most of his yaoi manga.

 **Neimi** \- Please stop trying to flirt with the Princess just because you're jealous of Lute and Vanessa's closeness. The Prince Ephraim is going to kill you. Why don't you just find a man? You're into girls? I-I see... but the Princess is a no go. Why don't you just wait a little? I am sure a cute and nice little blonde girl in shining armor will join our army very soon. Now; go back to kill someone! These enemy thieves are a pain.

 **Ross** \- You suck! Missing five times in a row was very lame. I will be taking that hand axe and the steel axe. Here is your hachette!

 **Seth** \- Why did you ask Forde to dedicate a book for you too? Please don't tell me... What? He writes yuri too? That still doesn't change my opinion.

 **Vanessa** \- The fact that Lute saved your skin didn't mean you had to tongue kiss her as a thanks! I already forbid the two of you to do something shameless in public didn't I? Just because you are married is not a reason! Now; please return into your sense. I think that Titania is about to get sick from eating these roast archers.


	9. Distant Blade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: All right people! We will be following Eirika's route from now on...and that's all. Let's just hope Mark doesn't get a heart attack before the end of this war.

**Attention all** \- Our mission will be to inform the queen of Jehana and to convince her to join our side. Engagements are to be excepted though so permanently remain on your guard.

 **Amelia** \- Welcome into our little army! I know that everyone is crazy but I can insure you we are all good people so you did the right choice. However, asking Neimi if the Princess has already raped her was a very rude question. What? You heard rumors that Princess Eirika like to collect concubines and apply BDSM on them? Who the hell has spread that rumor?

 **Artur** \- Please stay at the rear! You are not the toughest unit ever so forget that idea of tanking forward. Also, while you're at it, please go find some new shoes! It's not as if I mind or anything but you walked over a poo earlier.

 **Breguet** \- Just because I said that water plus salt is not the best combinaison for an environment for an Armor Knight, I didn't mean you to remove your armor and everything underneath it so you could sunbathe. No; you are not taking a rest for this chapter!

 **Colm** \- Congratulations for stealing that Ocean Seal from that enemy pirate. However, stealing his pants as well was not needed, especially when you threatened to burn it if he didn't give you 2000 gold. That poor sailor ran away, crying like a little girl. I can't help but to feel sorry.

 **Eirika** \- I know that you are very happy that Tana is in the army as well but telling her everything that happened, from you becoming stronger to sleeping with Lady l'Arachel was not needed at all. Now; you made her jealous. Well; at least an angry maiden in love can be a very powerful fighter so I will let it slide.

 **Forde** \- Drop that pen and go after everyone else! I don't care if you are almost at the deadline for the publication date of your manga about crossdressing dudes but shall I remind you we are still in the middle of a war?

 **Franz** \- I should stop you right away! Just because the Princess Tana has turned into a killing machine, leaving no enemy for you to defeat, it wasn't for you to fully undress and jump into the sea to "enjoy the nice weather". Get back here and go buy us some swords!

 **Garcia** \- I know that you have the highest strength among our units but that didn't mean you had to throw your weapons and use your fist to smash the enemies' jaws.

 **Guillam** \- You know what; just remove your armor and go become the lifeguard since it looks like everyone want to enjoy the beach, leaving the battle to the Princess Tana and Garcia.

 **Joshua** \- Just because the others has decided to host a beach party is not an excuse for you to take off your card deck and propose to play poker. Now; Neimi is crying because Colm is bankrupted and has stolen her underwear to pay his debt back.

 **Kyle** \- Stop trying to teach your horse how to swim! I know that you are a very dutiful Knight and are training for the worst but I am feeling sorry for the poor animal who was feeling salt for two hours.

 **Lute** \- What were you expecting when Vanessa and you has opted to wear matching swimsuits? Of course, the men (and few women) were going to watch! However, burning that pirate's hair was too much when he dropped his weapon while saying he surrendered while watching your wife's "assets". Yes; I admit you were on your right.

 **Moulder** \- Please make us some sushi for dinner.

 **Natasha** \- When Joshua gave you a swimsuit to wear and you politely refused, it was okay. But as he insisted, I understand that that angered you so I will forgive you for that great kick on his balls. Who said that Sisters were demsel in distress?

 **Neimi** \- I know that you want to find someone as well to have a double date with "VaneLute", but lying that the Princess has stolen your underwear and abused you while crying so that Amelia would comfort you and will allow you get some "flag" point was very pitiable, even from you. Also, please find a new pair of underwear!

 **Ross** \- I have to say you make a great Fisher. With the fishes you got, Father Moulder will be able to cook us a delicious dinner.

 **Seth** \- Thank you for finding some vegetables and beef meat for our dinner! Just give them to Father Moulder and go buy some vulnerary and magic tomes.

 **Tana** \- You truly are "badass"! I understood something today; nothing is worst than a jealous maiden in love. Just kill every enemy you see as to help you coul down. However, I have to admit that tongue-kissing the Princess Eirika when the battle was over was a little too much. She has already passed away! Please allow her to breathe again!

 **Vanessa** \- I understand that it was fair that you have applied sunscreen on your wife. However, having a diner with the settling sun as background, at the seaside, with candles lit on the table and a bottle of champagne was overdoing it, don't you think? Also, I'll let you know that I am still single because I choosed it and not because I am "too grumpy to get a woman"!


	10. Revolt at Carcino

**Amelia** \- Please lower your lance! The Princess Eirika hasn't raped Neimi. She just said that so that you give her some attention. Please do not spread rumors that the Princess like to rape the other girls in the army and blackmail them to not tell anyone. I don't want to see how Princess Tana will react if the rumors reach her ears.

 **Artur** \- I see... You want to take a little pause for this battlefield and will be going downtown to buy a pair of sandal? All right; here is 500 and go buy anything you want!

 **Breguet** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a General! That doesn't mean you had to dance the Harlem Shake while bragging in front of Guillam. Now, stop with that brake dance and go train with your new sword!

 **Colm** \- How the hell did you do to pickpocket that man at the arena counter? Do not count on me to save your ass when he realize that! Have you seen his muscles? I am sure that guy can win an arm-wrestle against Garcia.

 **Eirika** \- The right thing to do when you heard about the rumors that Amelia and Neimi has spread was not to place your hands on both cheeks, blush like a schoolgirl and to say "oh my... have I really done that?" Look at what you've done! Princess Tana has turned crazy once again and has literally scared Pablo so much by castrating that archer in front of him, making him shit on his pant.

 **Forde** \- When I gave you a slim lance, the reaction I was hoping was not for you to pout and say that "only Pegasus Knights need these". Now; stop acting like a spoiled kid and go assist your brother!

 **Franz** \- What were you thinking when you pointed your lance in the air and then rushed at the enemies while yelling "Chariot"? We are in the World of Fire Emblem! That skill only works in the world of Yggdra Union, Blaze Union and Gloria Union! No; that doesn't mean you have to pretend to be a grim angel either! Fire Emblem is not Riviera!

 **Garcia** \- Yes; I know I am breaking the fourth wall but it was just because of this idiot. Now, just go back to the battlefield and smash some skulls!

 **Gerik** \- Welcome into our little army! Just kill everything you see and ignore everyone else! There is not that much thing that you need to do beside that.

 **Guillam** \- Please stop sulking! We only had two Knight's cress and you are not ready yet. Just hang on a little and you will get a promotion as well someday.

 **Innes** \- Yes; I know you can't believe your eyes. Your innocent lil' sister is actually dominating this battlefield. Just let me tell you that nothing is more dangerous than a jealous girl.

 **Joshua** \- When I sent you to the arena, I was hopping you to get some money and experience by doing battles and not poker. Who the hell has ever had the idea to build a game hall inside an arena?

 **Kyle** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Paladin! Now; stop lessoning Forde for writing doujinshi about Prince Ephraim and you and go kill some soldiers!

 **Lute** \- Where did you go?

 **Marisa** \- Welcome into our little group! I know that you have a great reputation and a difficult past but please stop trying to smile when Tethys begs you to. Colm and Franz are already traumatized by the memory. No; it's not that we don't like you're smile. It's just that question creepiness, your can rival Nakamchi Kana's.

 **Moulder** \- What exactly did you put in yesterday's soup? It kind of tasted like old cheese. What? How could you have mistaken sunscreen for butter?

 **Natasha** \- Please stop suggesting (begging) the Princess to preach and shower in holy water! She hasn't abused anyone so please tidy that cross back and go heal Franz.

 **Neimi** \- Are you satisfied now? The Princess is in a bad situation because of you? She doesn't seem to mind it, you say? Of course she is pretending because of the nice girl she is. The Princess will never say anything that could... Why are you crying? Oh God!

 **Ross** \- I know that you wanted to look very cool but breaking that wall with your head was very stupid. However, I have to thank you since that helped us reaching the Prince Innes quicker.

 **Seth** \- You know what? Take this steel lance and go take care of these Pegasus Riders since Vanessa is nowhere to be seen and Neimi can't work properly.

 **Tana** \- It was very cool of you to smash all these enemies but when you were too busy tongue-kissing the Princess Eirika, you forgot about Pablo and he took the opportunity to flee.

 **Tethys** \- I know that you want to be useful and all but offering to become Marisa's "friend with benefit" is a little not okay. No; you will not be her "sex slave" instead! No; I am not homophobic! I am not giving another speech about homophobia anymore!

 **Vanessa** \- At least, here you are again. So, Lute and you were downtown to buy us some new pillows? I have to thank you in that case. My neck hurts so much for sleeping on hard soil.


	11. Creeping Darkness

**Amelia** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Knight! Also, I am glad to hear that you clarified the last rumor about the Princess. However, I have to say that adding another rumor like what the Princess Eirika is a total chick magnet was not needed at all. I know she is kind, cute and naive but saying that aloud was rude.

 **Artur** \- Get back here; you idiot! Just because you got some "Turbo boots" and are using a "shine" tome doesn't mean you can move at light's speed. Your evasion is still very lame

 **Breguet** \- Shall I remind you about the weapon triangle once again? Trying to hit that sword-wielding skeleton with a steel axe was useless. I know that you have very high defense but three times 10 still hurts. Now; go find Sister Natasha!

 **Colm** \- We need your ability to lead us inside this fog! Please stop giving "friendly" advices to Neimi. Knowing you, you surely whispered her to do something shameless with Amelia. I swear; if these two turn psycho, I will ask General Seth to shave your head.

 **Dozzla** \- Welcome into our army! Please stop laughing like a maniac each time you smash an eyeball saying that you are the "eyecandy crusher". Yes; I know that Lady l'Arachel is okay with it but it stopped being funny from the fifth time you said it.

 **Eirika** \- When we met again with Lady l'Arachel, the proper reaction was not to point at you finger saying that you are a "married woman". Where the hell did Princess Tana ever found that ring?

 **Forde** \- Stop drawing doujinshi about Princess Eirika and Lady l'Arachel being schoolgirls "senpai and kuhai realize their feelings for each others". Princess Tana will not like that at all!

 **Franz** \- When I gave you a "Heavy Spear", your reaction wasn't supposed to do 100 push-ups to gain some muscles amd brag that you are too strong when you hold said spear with one was very childish, even from you!

 **Garcia** \- Punching the walls and yelling like a Yetti was very foolish! At least, that brought the enemies' attention on fully on you, allowing Colm to sneak in and get the chess before anyone realized.

 **Gerik** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Hero! I am expecting you to continue being awesome and just ignore everyone's shenanigans. Also, put back your shirt on! You are not going to imitate Dieck!

 **Guillam** \- Now is not the time to wonder if your niece is properly feeding your chickens so stop sitting there and go after Breguet!

 **Innes** \- Neimi makes a better Sniper than you so give her your silver bow and take this steel one instead. No; I am not sexist just because I think women are better at bows!

 **Kyle** \- A short spear is actually not for short people so stop asking if you have lost height!

 **L'Arachel** \- Thank God we got a new healer! Please take care of everyone's physical wounds, I am begging you... and please stop slapping the Princess Eirika's ass each time you walk behind her! Believe me; you don't want a rival right now, don't you?

 **Lute** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Sage! Please stop making out with your wife and go back into the battlefield. Yes; I know Vanessa want to properly congratulate her wife but that can wait for later.

 **Marisa** \- You are not to ever use three swords at once ever. You are not Zolo Rorona! Having wielded a shamsir on your right hand, a killing edge on the left and a slim sword between your teeth was a pure waste. Now; I will ask Lute to heal these sword scratches all around your body. No; I am not revering to anything dirty! She is a married woman!

 **Moulder** \- Let us eat somer roasted beef and tomato salad for dinner! Also, Lady l'Arachel requested that we put some carrots in her salad.

 **Natasha** \- Go apologize to the Princess Eirika! The rumors are wrong! Tearing her clothes and forcing her to shower in holy water in this cold weather was very cruel from you. Now; she got a cold.

 **Neimi** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Sniper! Here; take Prince Innes' bow and do not tell anyone. Also, you are still among our best unit member so please do not do anything insane with Amelia.

 **Ross** \- Just because you are a "Pirate" doesn't mean you had to go look for a Perot and wear that ridiculous had while laughing maniacaly each time you defeat a zombie, claiming that you are captain Alvador!

 **Seth** \- Oh God! Please stop wearing that Nurse's outfit just because Princess Tana has asked you to become her assistant! Sure; it suits you but the skirt is a little too short. Franz has already passed out of shock!

 **Tana** \- It was very kind of you to volunteer to take care of the Princess Eirika but doing a CPR with your tongues was not needed at all! Also, please drop that bottle of poison; you are not going to assassinate Lady l'Arachel!

 **Tethys** \- So, there were red marks on Marisa's neck and you are the only person I am suspecting... No; I am not a pervert just because I assume that you ran butterfly kissed all around Marisa's body!

 **Vanessa** \- Please wait for later before giving your wife her congratulations gift! We are still in the middle of a battle!


	12. Village of Silence

**Amelia** \- Compared to other Knights, I have to admit that you are faster regardless of your heavy armor. The only reason I gave you a javelin is because of your low movement and so you can throw them and not use it as an arrow with the handmade bow that Neimi has made for you. You missed every time and it's starting to get annoying now. Just throw it!

 **Artur** \- "I'll leave these eyeballs to you!" when I said that before sending you into the battlefield, I was expecting you to use your magic and not all kind of kung-fu techniques. Yes; I know that monks are supposed to be martial artist but look at the massive axe wound on your shoulder! Go find Saleh!

 **Breguet** \- Stop rushing at the enemies and tackling them to death on the floor just because you have a heavier armor! When I told you to use your head in battle, I didn't mean to do it literally by headbutting everything that you see. At least put a helmet on and go ask Lady l'Arachel to heal your bleeding head!

 **Colm** \- How come are you riding that Gargoyle? Get back down here! That thing can kill you with one hit. And stop taking money from our younger member by promising them you'll let them ride as well!

 **Dozzla** \- Why are you arm-wrestling with Garcia instead of fighting these monsters? To decide who will wield the silver axe? Are you dumb? Just use it by turn and go kill some centaurs!

 **Eirika** \- When General Glen has approached you, the right thing to do was not to scream like a schoolgirl who saw an idol pass by! In addition, quickly saying that you are a "married woman" while pointing at the ring the Princess Tana has given you when he started to speak was childish!

 **Ewan** \- Welcome, little one! I know that you want to get some friends but asking all kind of tricks and riddles to Ross was overdoing it. Now; look at him, steam are coming from his head from overthinking.

 **Forde** \- Say what? You need maternity rest? Are you insane? You're not pregnant, you idiot and plus, you're not even a woman in the first place. Now; stop pretending to be a transsexual just so I give you additional right. You are not having a week of holiday to finish your new "orgy" fiction!

 **Franz** \- I would normally scowld you in other circumstances buy I will let it slide this time. You threw your horse's waste at the enemies, blinding them and sneaked in only to rush back with your lance while yelling "I'm the fucking lord Knight of justice!"

 **Garcia** \- When I told Dozzla to use the silver sword by turn, I didn't mean for the two of you to dance salsa in the middle of the battlefield while hitting once before throwing it at the other and repeating the process until there was no enemy left.

 **Gerik** \- No! You and Joshua are not to become the Dieck-Rutger duo of this universe and Lady l'Arachel will not be Clarine!

 **Glen** \- We will be glad to have you aboard! Please just kill everything and try not to turn psycho. And no; you are not allowed to arm-wrestle the General Seth as to know who is the better General!

 **Guillam** \- Of course; Reizei Mako is the driver of the Angerfish team! What made you think that it was Nishizumi Maho? She is the commander, remember! ... How the hell did that stupid discussion started in the first place.

 **Innes** \- No; you are not to become the Klein of this universe! And no; you are not to crossdress so that you can be the Louise either!

 **Joshua** \- Where did your hat go? And where did you find that red coat? Why are you trying to act so edgy? Stop trying to imitate Rutger!

 **Kyle** \- I am forbidding you to every wield a wyrmslayer for the rest of your life! What the hell did you have in mind by charging at the gargoyles with only a sword? I admit you were very badass when your sword broke and you used your karate skills but climbing atop that hill, taking that gargoyles from behind and smashing his head against the ground a la "German bridge wrestling technique" was very reckless!

 **L'Arachel** \- No! You are not to become Princess Eirika's mistress just because she is already married to Princess Tana! And no; you might not force her into a polygamy wedding!

 **Lute** \- I know that Ewan suck as a magic user but stop saying that in front of him while roasting a zombie as if it was nothing! It is making him very self-conscious.

 **Marisa** \- You ask why I ducktapped your mouth? Because saying that "Tethys' juice is so sweet" while using a seducing voice when the two of you were taking a break made most of the men in our army turn insane and are drooling like hell. I now that you didn't mean to sound erotic but every member of this army is either a pervert, a psychopath or a weirdo and most of all, 80% of them are gay.

 **Moulder** \- You can do the laundry as well? I apologize for what I told in the past in that case. You are not useless. In fact, you are a lifesaver!

 **Natasha** \- Thankfuly, the Princess Eirika is feeling better. I just hope you won't do anything as insane as that anymore. Wait; What do you mean by mutterint "the Princess had a nice body? Why are you blushing as if someone has discovered your guilty secret? Wait; where are you running away to? Wait; are you really thinking what I was thinking? Oh God, No! You're a Cleric for screaming!

 **Neimi** \- Stop crying just because Amelia isn't using the bow you gave her anymore. Just because she isn't using your gift doesn't mean she doesn't like you. Wait; where are you going with that ring? To propose because you can't stand it anymore? *sigh* Just do as you please then...

 **Ross** \- Stop drooling like an idiot! Marisa didn't mean what she said like what you have in mind.

 **Saleh** \- I see that you're still very calm despite all the chaos going on. I will proudly call you Lord Pent of this universe if you want. What? You don't want? You're really a modest one, aren't you?

 **Seth** \- I know that you look very good crossdressing but please take that princess dress off! What? You like it and everyone has told you are not weird at all? Well; no one in this army is normal in the first place so...just do as you wish.

 **Tana** \- Wait! Why did you hug Marisa saying that you will be glad to give her "special lessons"? There was nothing honest with the way you told it! No; I am not paranoid just because I think too much!

 **Tethys** \- Please stop dying your hair in teal and forcing Marisa to die hers into orchid so that the two of you can pursue the "Florina x Ninian" romance option of this universe!

 **Vanessa** \- The pillows you bought the other day were the best! I slept very well last night despite the weird noises coming from the tent where Marisa and Princess Tana were using.


	13. Hamill Canyon

**Amelia** \- What were you thinking by pointing your lance in the air and chant lot of things while Ewan was casting thunder behind you as to scare the enemies? Of course, they saw through it and don't blame me if they started chassing after you after that.

 **Artur** \- No; you are not to meditate so you will be able to summon Lucius so you won't be the only Monk in the surrounding!

 **Breguet** \- How the hell did you do to build a circus tent in two hours? And what are these tickets you are selling for? For a representation? The alliance army crush Grado? All right; give me one ticket for the front seat.

 **Colm** \- Nice job sneaking behind Pablo and stealing his purse...but stealing his underwear in the process was not needed at all!

 **Cormag** \- Stop asking your brother for an advance in your allowance just because you need to buy the new Samsung Galaxy that came out last week!

 **Dozzla** \- Please just leave the staves to our magic users! Garcia and you are forbidden to ever touch a torch staff until the end of this war. Look at your burning beard!

 **Eirika** \- So, you can get jealous? You literally kissed Lady l'Arachel until she passed out in front of the Princess Tana as to let her know you are very angry for what she did with Marisa. I kind of feel sorry for Lady l'Arachel now...

 **Ewan** \- Run, little boy; run!

 **Forde** \- So, you are a popcorn seller now? Hand me a cup GM so I can enjoy the spectacle more. What? 200 gold? Are you kidding? Here is 50 and get out of my vision for a while.

 **Franz** \- Congratulations on your promotion to a Great Knight! Do not ask me why I've choosed to promote you; it's just that I don't trust Guillam or Forde enough ans it's still too early for Amelia. Now; go save Ewan! He looks like he's going to start crying anytime.

 **Garcia** \- Here is a killer axe and kill every archer you see that are riding a balista!

 **Gerik** \- No! You are not to dye your hair in red so that you can be the Raven of this story! Why don't you just adopt your own style.

 **Glen** \- Why are you trying to do body-building? To look like the Glen in Urban Reign? Then, go ahead! No one will stop you.

 **Guillam** \- I think that Kirby is a better character than Pikachu in Super Smash Bros. On top of that, he is a lot cuter.

 **Innes** \- Of course Wolt is a Gordon Archetype since he is an early archer joining in very early lever!

 **Joshua** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Swordmaster! Just because you got a promotion doesn't mean I have to give you a Master Sword. The production of these thing doesn't exist here in Magvel. Go to Ylise instead!

 **Kyle** \- Question stats, you are a Kain archetype but you have Abel's hair color.

 **L'Arachel** \- Are you still alive? Please just inhale and exhale slowly until you fully return into your sense.

 **Lute** \- Just because I gave Vanessa a promotion doesn't mean the two of you have to celebrate that by having another romantic diner when the others are killing everything in the background!

 **Marisa** \- Yes; just kill everything you see and do not mind the others and their drama! You know that you are an awesome fighter so here is another Killing Edge for you.

 **Moulder** \- Thank you for taking care of the dishes as well! May I ask you to massage my shoulders as well?

 **Natasha** \- There you are! Wait! Please stop running away every time! You have "immoral feelings" for the Princess and what? Fleeing will not solve anything! Just face it once for all and end!

 **Neimi** \- Please stop crying... I know that you are too happy that Amelia has accepted to become your wife but we are still in the middle of a battle. I will ask Father Moulder to be the priest once this skirmish is over.

 **Ross** \- Since when did you turn into a juice seller? Whatever; just give me a glass of fresh orange juice.

 **Saleh** \- Go; handsome! It was a good idea to give you a complete arsenal of divine and elfire. You literally vaporized every enemy you saw.

 **Seth** \- What is it this time? A sailor fuku uniform? Yeah... You look cute... Now; go back into the battlefield and assist Saleh!

 **Tana** \- The thing you were supposed to say first when Lady l'Arachel fell and the Princess Eirika was licking her lips was not supposed to say "that was so hot!" Now, take this Elysian Whip and go kill the annoying wythern riders!

 **Tethys** \- So, you are a nice cook too? That's great to know. I am sure Marisa will be happy to make you her wife. No; I am not a "shipper on a deck" just because I said that last sentence.

 **Vanessa** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Falcon Knight! Please wear a scarf by the way; your wife has left lot hickeys on your neck and it's not as if it bothers me but few men of our army are having a plan to write an adult doujinshi featuring the two of you.


	14. Queen of White Dunes

**Attention all** \- We have arrived at the Jehana royal palace so I am excepting you all to be careful and not break everything you see. Also, the one to kill Karlyle will get 2000 gold bonus from me.

 **Amelia** \- Congratulations, Mrs. Neimi's wife! I know you want to be polite and romantic but insisting that you should lift Neimi bridal style all the way until arriving at the throne room was very stupid.

 **Artur** \- Stop playing poker with Joshua! You are already bankrupt. Your luck is garbage and you suck at playing with cards. Just apply your kung-fu and clear our way toward the boss!

 **Breguet** \- Why are you guarding these stars? You don't want Caelach to see you yet? All right then. Just stay there while everyone else has fun.

 **Colm** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Rogue! Now; stop playing "Angry Birds" and go unlock these chess!

 **Cormag** \- Stop glaring at Vanessa because I gave her your Elysian Whip! Lute is going to roast you alive, you fool! Now; give your killer lance to the Princess Tana and go count our remaining money.

 **Dozzla** \- You don't know how to listen for fuck's sake! You charged right at everything you saw and literally smashed half of the walls of the palace. At least, that made our way inside easier and faster.

 **Eirika** \- Princess? Are you all right? Please take a nice and ling rest in the company of your two new wives!

 **Ewan** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Saman! Just because you can use dark magic doesn't mean you have to brag in front of Lute! Now; just go see Lady l'Arachel to help with your burnt hair.

 **Forde** \- No; I am not calling you Sam just because you don't like your name anymore!

 **Franz** \- I am forbidding everyone in his army from ever wielding a Devil Axe anymore! You got almost killed by a wall and believe me; that is the worst way of dying possible. Now; go see Saleh for a healing!

 **Garcia** \- Here is your 2000 gold! Who said that Short Bows suck? You got three crits in a row!

 **Gerik** \- Ogma is also a great unit! Why are you asking? You youself aren't that bad?

 **Guillam** \- No! I am repeating it for the tenth time; "Lady Latona and Lady Elimine were not lesbian!" They are saint who dedicated to help the others and hasn't build families because their duty went first!

 **Innes** \- It must have been shameful that you've ran that fast to reach the throne room as to look cool when you will defeat the boss but then saw that Garcia has already solo-ed him. I know; life is very cruel! Now; stop sniffing and go find the queen.

 **Ishmaire** \- I am glad to see that you managed to get away on your own by kicking Caelach in the balls. However, it's too bad he had the opportunity to destroyed the stone of Jehana. Also, I understand that you were very happy to see your son again but hugging him against your chest until he passed out was a little extreme.

 **Joshua** \- Are you still alive, Prince of Jehana? There; inhale and exhale slowly while we go look for the Adhulma sword.

 **Kyle** \- So, you've learned boxing as well? It was really nice seeing you smash these cavaliers' jaw because they insulted the Knights of Renais.

 **L'Arachel** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Valkyrie! Also, congratulations to you, Princess of Rausten and Archeen of Renais! Now; please stop kissing Princess Eirika's neck and go talk to that lazy thief of Rennac!

 **Lute** \- I should stop you right now! Just because you are jealous that Ewan can use dark magic and you not doesn't mean you have to stalk Jehana's bookstore and learn about lost magic. It is not needed! You are already really strong as you are now!

 **Marisa** \- Congratulations on your promotion into an Assassin! Do not ask why I didn't opt for a swordmaster; you are better as an assassin with your stats. You're a "fragile speedster" after all.

 **Moulder** \- Thank you for the massage of the other day! I feel better now.

 **Natasha** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Bishop and your new title of Archqueen of Renais! When I told you to face the problem, I didn't mean for you to ask her in marriage. Of course, the Princess Eirika is very naive so of couse she said yes.

 **Neimi** \- Congratulations, Mrs. Amelia's wife! I know that you want to have a proper honeymoon with your wife but we still have to go after Caelach and Valter so that will have to wait until we liberate Jehana.

 **Rennac** \- Just shut it and go buy some item at the secret shop! Do not expect me to give you even a gold as a "special fee".

 **Ross** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Berzerker! Now; stop doing the brake dance as a celebration!

 **Saleh** \- Yes; I know that Natasha and Eirika aren't supposed to even have a support in the game but since the author is weirdo and obsessed yuri fan, it did happen. *sigh*

 **Seth** \- Now; stop trying to recruit other people to crossdress and become the nine goddesses (?) of idol!

 **Tana** \- It's official; once this war is over, I'm going to the psychiatric hospital, O Archqueen of Renais! You want to know why I added Arch? Because from another anime where two women can get married, Arch is added in front of their title for the second woman. For example: a mother and an archmother, a queen and an archqueen, an empress and an archempress...

 **Tethys** \- I am sure you will get along well with Lalum though...

 **Vanessa** \- Please keep a close eye at your wife and make sure she doesn't do anything foolish! I don't want us to fight against more enemies in case she "accidentaly" summon some creatures from hell.


	15. Scorched Sand

**Attention** all - The palace of Jehana is burning so get out, everyone and go engage against these grado soldiers!

 **Amelia** \- I know that you like to spoil your wife but volunteering to lift her bridal style because you didn't want her to get dirt in her shoes was not needed. We are still in the desert after all! Also, congratulations on your promotion into a Genera! Take this Iron Sword and Iron Axe with you.

 **Artur** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Bishop! Now; go and defeat these Shaman and wythern rider.

 **Breguet** \- When you saw Gheb, the right thing to do was not to run to him while screaming "Bro", tears in your eyes. That huge bump on your head was justifies!

 **Caelach** \- When you said that you were going to swipe the smug grin from Joshua's face after claiming that you were always the best and will always be better than him, it was very pitiable of you that Joshua has one-shooted you!

 **Colm** \- Yes; you are better than Rennac in everything but skill and defense but that isn't a reason for you to claim that you are Robin Wood and he is George of Jungle. Now; stop talking and go look for the treasures hidden in the sand!

 **Cormag** \- Tidy these sunglasses and exotic-colored shirt away for when we win!

 **Dozzla** \- Here is a pair of gauntlet and punch every wythern you see! Who said that Berzerkers suck without an axe?

 **Duesel** \- No; you are not a car so stop saying that you are very economic in fuel usage! Your name is Duesel, not diesel! Note the difference!

 **Eirika** \- Please get your senses back, Princess! I know that you want to be fair with both wife by holding their hands amd cuddling but shall I remind me it is 40℃ right now? Please do not complain to me if you pass out once again from being sandwiched between your "beautiful" wives!

 **Ephraim** \- Yes; your sister has three wives and the members of our army is insane... You aren't doing any better too? Here; take a chair and let's drink some nice whisky to forget about this.

 **Ewan** \- Where did you find that Eclipse Tome?

 **Forde** \- Congratulations for publishing your Ephraim x Lyon yaoi doujinshi! Just do not come to me crying if the Prince Lyon find about it.

 **Franz** \- After a long reflection, you are allowed to take a rest from this battle since you suck with the terrain. While you're at it, just tell the others that you're having another beach party at the oasis.

 **Garcia** \- Continue to be amazing and take this Halberd! I'll leave these cavaliers and Paladins to you!

 **Gheb** \- Welcome into our army, o fat one! Please stop calling Amelia "Loly". Neimi will not be happy to hear that. Also, stop peeing all around the desert! It's starting to smell.

 **Glen** \- Yes; the three great General of Grado has joined our force! Do not ask how come Lady Selena has joined us; I have no idea. Please ask the prince Ephraim.

 **Guillam** \- Since I am telling you Hideoshi is not a boy nor a girl! Hideoshi is Hideoshi! There is nothing else to debate about it.

 **Innes** \- Please take care of the Pegasus Rides meantime! Neimi has gained the right to have a little vacation with her wife and since you are our only Sniper left...

 **Ishmaire** \- Please stop trying to feed Joshua with your maternal milk in front of everyone! I know you've missed him a lot these past year but he is 20 for crying out loud! What? Your mother gave you her milk until you turned 25? What the hell is wrong with the Jehana royal family?

 **Joshua** \- Stop acting like a baby! You are already a grown-up! Yes; I know you regret fleeing from the palace and want to catch the lost time but please have some maturity!

 **Knoll** \- If Lute ever ask you to teach her a skill that is "cool as hell", you are to reply "no" without an hesitation!

 **Kyle** \- Go take a vacation! You could be the lifeguard since you want to be useful.

 **L'Arachel** \- Please stop sandwiching the Princess Eirika in between Princess Tana, Sister Natasha and you! She's going to pass out again.

 **Lute** \- Congratulations on your promotion into an Archsage! I see that you've mastered dark magic as well... Knowing you, you can follow Sir Athos' path so good luck!

 **Marisa** \- I will assign you to the quest of finding the hidden items in this desert. I will have Tethys help you as well. Good luck!

 **Moulder** \- Can you prepared is some ice cream?

 **Natasha** \- I see that giving you the title of Archqueen gave you extra confidence as you vaporized everyone who got close to the Princess Eirika before returning into hugging your wife... Now; please give her some air! She has already passed out from overheating. Why don't the four of you enjoy the beach party as well?

 **Neimi** \- Feel free to enjoy the weather by sunbathing with your wife! You deserve it!

 **Rennais** \- Stop trying to extort money from the Prince Ephraim and go with Colm to look for the treasures. No; I am not a professional matchmaker because I like o see you all two by two!

 **Ross** \- Go swim a little and please bring us some fish while you're at it! Also, please bring Ewan with you and teach him how to swim as well as to distract him from doing anything stupid.

 **Saleh** \- I think that Myrrh and Fae will become good friends if you ask me.

 **Selena** \- Welcome into our army, o great Fluospar Gener! Please just continue being awesome and either ignore everyone's craziness or take part in it; it's your own choice.

 **Seth** \- So, you actually managed to recruit Forde, Franz, Ewan, Artur, Joshua, Colm, Rennac and Valter to become crossdressing idols and you even repeated few songs, notably Start Dash, Mirai Fanfare, Ready and Kono Namida wo Kimi ni Sasagu? I am speechless!

 **Tana** \- I see that you still have some sense left! It was nice seeing you three sister-wives getting along so well while applying sunscreen on the Princess Eirika. However, organizing a swimming contest to decide who is going to "sleep" with her first tonight was very shameless! Now; send someone to save Ross and Ewan who are nosebleeding in the middle of the lake!

 **Tethys** \- Please go after Marisa and...do whatever you feel like it! I don't care anymore. Just find a nice bush before doing anything shameless, I am begging you. Ross and Ewan are already hyperventilating.

 **Valter** \- Do not come and complain to me because Arqueen Natasha, Archqueen l'Arachel and Archqueen Tana has bullied you like there was no tomorrow! You dared to call the Queen Eirika your "little bird". Of course; they would be pissed out!

 **Vanessa** \- So, how is your holiday going? You got into a fight with your wife because Lute hasn't been giving you enough attention lately? You are more annoyed because she isn't "eating you out" at least three time a day anymore now but barely onc a day? Are you serious? Where the hell do you find the energy to do that?


	16. Ruled by Madness

**Attention all -** We are going to attack the royal palace of Renais and liberate it. No quarter for the traitors.

 **Amelia** \- I am forbidding you to ever sing Wherever you are to your wife in the middle of the battlefield to look romantic. Yes; I know you looked very badass while throwing your spear at the enemy archer at the "bokura ga deata hi wa..."

 **Artur** \- Please stop muttering that song! What; the General Seth told you the nine of you were going to have a prestation soon so you have to train? Well; go ahead then. Do you need a skirt in addition so you will feel less ashamed when the time really come?

 **Breguet** \- Drop that saxophone and go lead our army! You are a promoted Armored Knight; not a bard. If we needed a bard, I would have asked Guillam to be one but since that will be even more useless, it's never happening.

 **Caelach** \- So, you betrayed Grado to save your skin? No? You joined us because you wanted to settle a score with Joshua? Fine, then! Just one condition: you are not allowed to kill any ally until this war is over. (I will have Marisa assassinate you as soon as peace will return on this land)

 **Colm** \- Stop yawning while saying that "it's too boring"! Take this Member Card and this Silver Card and go buy us something at the Secret Shop.

 **Cormag** \- Get away from that Bishop! Are you insane? Your resistance is garbage! What; you're angry because the General Glen spanked you in front of everyone because you refused to eat your broccoli last night? You're a man, fuck. Have some backbone!

 **Dozzla** \- What did I just say about the usage of Devil Axe? Take this elixir and this Iron Axe and give that Devil Axe to Colm so he can sell it to whatever fool who has a death wish.

 **Duesel** \- I see that it was very cool to see Lady Selena, General Glen and you perform triangle attack to break that door but it was just a waste of energy. That was actually the WC door! However, you did scare the hell out of that rookie Grado Soldier who was still busy reading a newspaper while shitting when you barged in and pointed your axe at him.

 **Eirika** \- I know that you are very happy to be home again but the first thing to do was not supposed to take your wives in your room, have an orgy with them and then tell your Father that you are gay and are engaged with three other girls!

 **Ephraim** \- Please have another bottle of Cognac as to help you forget this. I know how much you loved that vase and that portrait of Lord Marth that Valter has used to smash an enemy with.

 **Ewan** \- Now, stop singing "We found love in an hopeless place" because Ross misunderstood your comment about wanting to go to the seaside of Frelia while glancing directly at him, eyes to eyes! What; you meant it? Fuck no! I don't want to loose two other sane fighter! Why don't you just ask Knoll to help you with your magic?

 **Fado** \- I am very glad to see you alive Milord! Lot of thing has happened since we left this palace months ago and you see... The Prince and Princess has already told you everything...I see... And how are you taking it? Bad? How about downing this bottle of Old Wine in that case?

 **Forde** \- After a long thought, I have finally decided to promote you into a Paladin. Do not get that excited about it! And drop that pen and notebook! You are not "feeling like writing a NikoMaki story right away"!

 **Franz** \- Stop chewing that chicken leg while laughing and saying that you are the "Armored Titan"! That's not funny at all considering you bit your hand until it bleed just to look as badass as Eren Jager.

 **Garcia** \- Singing the hymn of Russia while cutting everything with your axe was very astonishing! Though, I am wondering why is everyone singing the hymn of their favorite country as well now?

 **Gerik** \- Why are you singing the hymn of Eilsdadt? That isn't even a proper Country but only a fictional one used to make think less choking for the fools who wanted to watch Shuumatsu no Izetta or Izetta: Die Leztze Hexe as you insist so much.

 **Gheb** \- Get the fuck out of these toilet and go kill something! What? You got a stomachache from eating a scorpion with crow sauce as breakfast? Then, enjoy your well-deserved pause and please do not fill their container.

 **Glen** \- Let go of that cat and please return into the fight! I don't care if you want to give to your brother as an apology for last night... After long thought, why not? Go give him that cat so he stop pouting like a child.

 **Guillam** \- Here is your Knight's cress and a Hand Axe and go kill these annoying Cavalier!

 **Ishmair** \- Why did you tell us that you are bisexual all of sudden? As if I didn't have my overdose of gayness, you went added more into it. I must really be cursed by the God of Gays for not shipping Lady Lyndis with Florina and Will with Rath.

 **Innes** \- What were you thinking while using that gun? We are not in a western movie! And where do you think you are going with that whip and that hat? You are and you will never be Indiana Jones, no matter how much you wish it!

 **Joshua** \- Nice job slashing everything that came close to your mother, lil' boy! You even cut that fly in four for resting on her shoulder for a fraction of second. I see that being spoiled do lot of good to you.

 **Knoll** \- I know that I told you all to show no mercy to traitors but using your dark magic to turn Orson into a girl made me speechless.

 **Kyle** \- I know that you really like that song but please stop singing "Beauty and a beast" with yourself! How come you turned so insane?

 **L'Arachel** \- Oh my... Please stop right away! What do you think you're doing? Of course I can see you organizing all kind of thing while decorating the castle, having the idea of marrying Marisa and Tethys! They haven't said yes yet so please tell these maids to stop making crowns of white lilies for the guest!

 **Lute** \- Now is not the time to get jealous because Marisa and Tethys' future wedding is way fancier than yours! Why don't you just use that Flux Tome to kill these enemy Mages instead?

 **Marisa** \- I see that you've finally accepted Tethys' advances... Congratulations, I guess. Please just don't let it get to your head.

 **Moulder** \- Thank you for volunteering to become our priest once again! Please take my handkerchief to wipe these "tears of happiness".

 **Myrrh** \- When the Prince Ephraim has promised you to threat you like a sister and told you to considered the Princess as a siblings as well, he didn't mean for you to flip Princess Eirika's skirt just because you made a vow back then that the first thing you will do if you get a sister would be to flip her skirt.

 **Natasha** \- Please stop licking the Princess Eirika's earlobe each time she does something childish as to "punish" her! You are still supposed to be a religious person, shall I remind you? No; I am not dogmatic just because I gave that last comment.

 **Neimi** \- Please stop crying! I know that hearing about the "good news" has moved you a lot but please at least focus a little with the skirmish.

 **Orson** \- Please stop screaming, won't you? Yes; you have been turned into a girl/woman and what? The King Fado has said that he is willing to spare your life if you swear to serve us unconditionaly and help us with the cooking since our army is too large for Father Moulder alone to be our cook. So, what do you think?

 **Rennac** \- I am forbidding you from ever reading a lesbian porn magazine that Forde might give you in the future. Look at all this blood on your face! Now, go to the bathroom and make sure to wash yourself enough and put some tissues in you bleeding nose.

 **Ross** \- You and Ewan are going out? Please someone give me a paratamol because I am having a headache. No; I am not an homophobic sexist just because I approve of lesbian relationship when I don't fully support gays as much as you wish I did.

 **Saleh** \- I understand that you want to make sure the Myrrh is safe and all but asking her if she was fine every two seconds was too much. It was only normal that she stormed out after your 2615th attempt.

 **Selena** \- Why are you always smiling while watching at Queen Ishmair's direction and quickly avert your eyes every time she turns to you? Please don't tell me... Whatever! Why don't you just try to talk to her? She said she was bisexual so there are chance she accept to be your "baby mama". *ouch* Why did you kick me all of sudden? I was just trying to give you some advice.

 **Seth** \- So, Lady l'Arachel has hired your fellow crossdressers and you to make a special spectacle for the wedding? I am glad for you in that case. Also, may I suggest you take a rest as a Knight? Orson, despite having been turned into a woman is still a better Paladin than you. And while you're at it, bring me some ice cubes. That Lady Selena is someone I really can't understand.

 **Tana** \- Now is not the time to propose Marisa to give her more "special lessons"! Do you want the incident of Carcino to happen again?

 **Tethys** \- Congratulations, o Mrs. Marisa's wife! I hope the two of you spend a long an exciting life and blablabla...

 **Valter** \- Tidy back that dress in the Princess' room! Just because the General Seth has asked you to dress nicely for your spectacle doesn't mean you had to find the most revealing dress that you could find. How the hell do anyone ever wear that thing? I won't dare to call it clothes.

 **Vanessa** \- Please go comfort your wife! Make out or whatever you feel like it, I don't care. Just make sure she stop glaring daggers at Marisa and Tethys.


	17. River of Regrets

**Attention all** \- We will now be going to Rausten and find more information about what should we do next. I want everyone to stay awesome and "badass" and please don't do anything "shameless" in public. I don't want us to get banned from the Rausten territory.

**Amelia** \- I know that you are among our best units but please stop killing enemies with your bare fist and the blunt side of your sword just to look cool in front of your wife! Guillam is already sulking while Forde has asked me if he could retire from being a Knight.

**Artur** \- I know that you are very proud to be an idol and you look really cute in that dress but please stop screaming like a girl whenever someone want to flip your skirt. What; the General Seth has asked you to train you "demsel in distress" persona? That is not needed at all! Go back to vaporize things instead!

**Breguet** \- Now; stop headbutting these horses! I know that you love that new helmet but I am feeling sorry for these poor horses. Why don't you just kill people with your axe instead of always using your head?

**Caelach** \- It was very nice of you to volunteer to fight these Heroes. However, screaming like a maniac and yelling that you are the "fucking god of mercenaries" while raping a horse was not needed at all!

**Colm** \- I know that you are a proud idol but untying your hair in front of everyone while dressed in a girly outfit and giving them a "kawaii as fuck smile" so that Rennac could sneak in and steal their purses was stupid! Though, I am glad the two of you can actually work together.

**Cormag** \- Now, stop stroking that cat! I know that you were very happy that your brother gave it to you but you actually need to fight as well. I actually have an Elysian Whip in the convoy so do you understand what I mean?

**Dozzla** \- After thinking long about it, I will give you the Dragon Axe! Now; the wythern squad it this way. Just walk straight there and hit everything you see until nothing moves anymore.

**Duesel** \- Stop saying "vroom vroom" each time you ride your horse! We already talked about it. You are not going to act like a car and Forde is not going to use bio fuel!

**Eirika** \- I get that you want to look cool in front of your wives but please drop these dark sunglasses. Also, congratulations on your promotion into a Great Lord! At least, that gave you more confidence as you literally scared Prince Lyon like the miserable he was.

**Ephraim** \- Congratulation on your promotion into a Great Lord! I know that you are good friend with the Prince Lyon and actually have a crush on him but taking a pause as to play a dramatic scene like "Lyon, why are you doing this? Don't you love me anymore? I gave you my all and look at what you do to me. Why did you fucking cheat on me?" Adding that goodbye kiss was not needed at all, considering you let him escape.

**Ewan** \- Congratulations on your promotion into a Summoner! Now, stop trying to summon cute clothes just because Franz has asked you if you could find a pink frilly dress!

**Fado** \- Milord! Just because I gave you a brave sword doesn't mean you have to rush forward while yelling "I'm the fucking bravest king ever!" and slash every tree you see. It was very pathetic... but then I understand that hearing that your beloved daughter is a real "skirt flipper/hunter" and seeing your castle turn into a vortex has choked you a lot.

**Forde** \- I don't have anything against it but when the General Seth has proposed you do some research about femininity, you were not supposed to change into a nightgown, attach your hair in "twin tails" and practice "sexy poses". Killing the enemies with your "sexiness"? You're more stupid than I thought! Now; take this Horseslayer and go kill something instead!

**Franz** \- Just because you wanted to see some lesbian forplay was not a reason to dress Ewan in a cute frilly dress and ask Ross to wear a wedding dress while suggesting them to have a dinner dressed like that. Lady l'Arachel will misunderstand it once again.

**Garcia** \- Here is the Garm Axe and go kill every enemy you see! I do not trust our other Axe users and since you are the most sane... Now, go!

**Gerik** \- Take this Tomahawk and take care of these Paladins! Yes; I know that you are not in your period. You're a man for crying out loud!

**Gheb** \- It was nice from you to rape that wythern for half an hour before saying "oops! wrong hole" and ran to find a new one since it died out of exhaustion. Please stop torturing these innocent beasts and go torture humans instead!

**Glen** \- I am not calling you Mercedes because you are sympathic to Forde and General Duesel! Also, take this Delphi Shield and take care of these Snipers!

**Guillam** \- Now, stop pouting and take this slim sword? Why you ask me I gave this? Because it's the most accurate weapons existing so even you can hit with it. Now, stop crying!

**Hayden** \- Welcome into our little army! I should tell you few things right away: your daughter is married with the Princess Eirika, your son suck at bows, everyone in this army is crazy and you are free to join their shenanigans or just remain sane. It's up to you.

**Ishmaire** \- I see that you are a very open-minded person... You did what was best for your son and you! I am sure the people of Jehana will be glad to hear the new...or not...

**Innes** \- No; I am not calling you Guiness so that you can miraculously become the Lucky Luc of this universe! Yes; I know Lucky Luc can shoot faster than his shadow and never miss his mark.

**Joshua** \- I know this you were very happy for your mother and her new lover but dressing into a cheerleader and dancing at the song Daisuki Dakara Daijoubu was not needed! Why don't you just grab the Adhulma Sword and go kill something? No; you are not going to fight in that outfit!

**Knoll** \- You are benched! Ewan makes a better Magic User than you and he at least is cute! You ask what you should do then? Can you cook?

**Kyle** \- No; you are not to yell "join Nergal at the fucking hell you weaklings" when you slashed these wythern riders! What happened to you? Did you smoke weed or what?

**L'Arachel** \- What are all these flower decorations and bench for? Oh no!

**Lute** \- I see that you finally returned into your sense. I am glad your wife can still give lot of "sanity" into you. Now; take this Gepenst Tome and send every enemy who get into out way into a black hole or something.

**Marisa** \- Congratulations, Mrs. Tethys' wife! Also, please wear a scarf to hide all these hickeys on your neck. I know that you don't mind but I am not okay with it at all, especially when you cut other people's throat mercilessly and then massage your shoulders, allowing everyone to have a look at these "marks".

**Moulder** \- No; I am not a narcissist just because I said "marks" in the last sentence! Also, you know the quota? It's Ross and Ewan this time.

**Myrrh** \- No; you are not to flirt with Lady l'Arachel just because Dozzla said the two of you might have a good chemistry!

**Natasha** \- I know that you are on your period but biting the Princess when she asked you if she could "eat you tonight" was very cruel! Look at the teeth marks on her hand now! You are still her wife, good grief!

**Neimi** \- Stop slapping Amelia's ass as to cheer her up every time she kill someone with her fist! I still need you to use the Nigdoog Bow. And stop singing Madoromi no Yakusaku! That doesn't even make any sense!

**Orson** \- Should I call you Mr. or Mrs.? Outch! Not my balls! That hurt!

**Rennac** \- You are indeed cute in that school uniform. However, please stop singing Rude. Just because the King Fado has refused to give you some special fees for your service was not a reason the repeat the refrain: "Why you gonna be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too? Why you gonna be so rude?" However, adding the "I'm gonna marry you anyway" was not needed at all!

**Ross** \- Congratulations Mr. Ewan's husband! I have nothing to add. No, nothing!

**Saleh** \- I know that everyone is crazy. Did you just realize that now? Also, I don't want to be rude but your zipper is unzipped.

**Selena** \- Congratulations, o Archqueen of Jehana! I am glad you found the right person at least but you didn't have to sing Girls like Girls in addition! Now, take this Excalibur Tome and continue to roast everything!

**Seth** \- Stop convincing your "idolmates" to sing Garasu no Hanazono and Storm in Lover!

**Syrene** \- Welcome into our large army! Just so you know: everyone is crazy, your younger sister is married with a girl, Father Moulder is our cook and the Prince Innes is a moron.

**Tana** \- What is it this time? Of course you have choose to get promoted into a Wythern Knight so you have the Pierce Skill! Also, I guess I should give you this Vidofnir Spear.

**Tethys** \- Stop crying! I know that you are very happy for your brother but then telling lot of embarrassing things about your past like how you used to give him your milk after your mother disappeared was not needed!

**Valter** \- I know what you were thinking so I should stop you right away! Zip back your pant and get very far from that horse! What the fuck is wrong with Caelach, Gheb and you?

**Vanessa** \- Let go of that pen! You are not to become a mangaka and write all kind of adult yuri manga!


	18. Two faces of evil

**Amelia** \- I am surprised the heat isn't affecting you. Your armor is made in metal after all. However, you made Neimi, your wife cry by hugging her after defeating that gargoyle. Remember, your armor's temperature is over 40℃ so it was only normal she got burned. Not everyone is as resistant as you.

 **Artur** \- It was very cool from you to take the lead and kill all these annoying monsters. However, crying while the others were breaking the eggs was pitiable, especially since you wanted to eat omelet eggs for diner. These are monster eggs; not to be eaten for crying!

 **Breguet** \- Get very far away from that incubus! Have you seen his Devil Axe? Yes; I know these weapons only backfire for us but never have I ever seen the Devil Axe backfire an enemy.

 **Caelach** \- I should stop you right away! Gheb, Valter and you are not having a tournament to see who can fuck the most epic creatures out here. Get away from that Minotaur!

 **Colm** \- How the hell did you manage to steal that Shadowshot spell from and eyeball enemy? And what are you planning to use it for?

 **Cormag** \- Giving you that promotion was a nice idea! Take this Spear and Killer Lance and continue to crit and Pierce these Centaurs.

 **Dozzla** \- What did I say about your eyecandy crusher shenanigan? Don't you dare think I forgot about it. Now; take this hammer and find us ingredients for tonight's horse soup!

 **Duesel** \- Tidy back that bowl and bottle of oil! We are not going to make some "homurice"!

 **Eirika** \- Why were you running forward like there was no tomorrowand slashed everything you saw in your passage? You got into a fight with you wife? Which one? The three of them?

 **Ephraim** \- Why did you have to make another drama scene with Lyon? It's starting to get annoying in the end. Also, please go comfort Innes who was almost rapped by and incubus if it wasn't for Joshua who saved his skin (and asshole).

 **Ewan** \- Stop summoning more creatures! It's just giving more work to our units. What? They like it better because it gives more challenge? Are you kidding me?

 **Fado** \- A brave sword actually allow you to attack twice in a row and doesn't work like a Killing Edge. It doesn't give crit bonus.

 **Forde** \- I know that you are very cute yet badass wearing that frilly dress and wielding a Killer Lance but please stop saying "Onii-chan; did it hurt?" each time you killed something. What happened to your pride as a man?

 **Franz** \- Now, I know you have great defense but why did you volunteer to become a walking wall when I said most of the enemies are magic users? Receiving damages from magic won't "raise your resistance". That doesn't mean you have to ask Artur for a training with him. We all know that no matter how the support work, there is no such thing as statuts bonus.

 **Garcia** \- No; I am not giving you a Golden Axe or whatever you want to call them just because I gave the others some Silver Axe and yet you want to still have better equipment than them. Ross is a better axe user so do not make me laugh and take this Longbow. These Gargoyles are annoying me.

 **Gheb** \- No; we will not be taking over the world once this war is over just because we are "too badass, even for hell". Now; stop trying to practice "sexy moves" and go kill something!

 **Glen** \- Stop attacking these Gargoyles with a sword! Do I have to remind you about the weapon triangle? Also do I have to remind me about your battle against Valter where you almost died?

 **Guillam** \- Yes; I know, it is a total chaos! At least, one thing is sure: even when facing demons, this army is still able to kill everything while doing jokes meanwhile.

 **Innes** \- Let me tell you the story of the Gargoyles who threw javelins at a Sniper! What? You already know about that? Then, take this Silver Bow and you know what to do next.

 **Ishmaire** \- I couldn't sleep at all last night because of all kind of noise coming from your tent and the others have also complained. I know that you're an adult and active woman but that is off limit! Please find a more secluded area or just lower the volume when you sleep with the General Selena.

 **Joshua** \- Get the fuck away from that Succubus! It's going to cut your "sword", you know. These things don't like men at all. Yes; I know they are supposed to be sucking other's life force but in this universe, they are just psychopathic lesbian creatures who enjoy cutting things.

 **Knoll** \- God; no! Please stop summoning more Succubus and Incubus! Caelach, Gheb and Valter are even more excited to have a challenge as to see who can "fuck" more Incubuses.

 **Kyle** \- I see that that new haircut suits you a lot but please stop screaming that you are going to avenge your buddy Gheb! Anyway, since when did the two of you even got along?

 **L'Arachel** \- It was very kind of you to offer to fan your wives but then asking them for a special cocktail in exchange was very shameless! Yes, I know you didn't mean anything perverted but look at Ross and Ewan who are drooling once again.

 **Lute** \- Thank you for your big help! Summoning more demons is what we need right now! Really; thank you for summoning another horde of crazy lesbian Succubus!

 **Marisa** \- Normally, an assassin's job is to slice things until they can't move anymore and not cutting the dead body of a helldog in pieces because Tethys is in her periods.

 **Moulder** \- Please prepare me another cup of tea if it's not too much of a bother! All this thing is too much for me.

 **Myrrh** \- Why are you giggling like a crazy? What did happen when I was looking elsewhere?

 **Natasha** \- I see... so, lady Myrrh has groped a Succubus' chest earlier? That's why she is this crazy... Then, please prepare a coffin as well as flowers for our beloved little Manakete.

 **Neimi** \- Please stop crying! It was just a joke! Lady Myrrh is not going to die for real! I just meant that her innocence has been stolen by these stupid demons.

 **Orson** \- I'm happy to see that the actual situation doesn't bother you at all and you are able to fight like a real dude! ... so, your heart only belongs to Lady Monica and nothing else... *sniff* What a beautiful confession! I have tears in my eyes.

 **Rennac** \- Go idols; go!

 **Ross** \- Thank you for going berzerk and tanked these demons with a killer axe like there was no tomorrow just because a crazy Incubus has attempted to lift Ewan's skirt! Thank ye!

 **Saleh** \- Please stop crying! Men don't cry! I know that what happened to our beloved Lady Myrrh is horrible but "c'est la vie!"

 **Selena** \- When I asked Lady Ishmare, I didn't mean for you to tell us every position the two of you practiced last night. Thank you for keeping your personal lives to yourselves.

 **Seth** \- Please stop organizing a funeral! I already said that we are not going to bury Lady Myrrh alive! And no; you are not to hire a clown for the even just because they did that during the Roman times.

 **Syrene** \- Yes; that's the spirit! Continue to just fangirl while watching our other couples! You are officially second on my favorite character in this army.

 **Tana** \- Please stop whispering whatever you are whispering to Lady l'Arachel! All the boys are already going crazy with their plot theory.

 **Tethys** \- Please help us calm your wife down! I don't care if you do strip-tease in front of her. Just bring her back into the reason.

 **Valter** \- Congratulations! You are the winner since you are the only one who has managed to rape 50 Incubus and 10 Succubus before you died. Now, you can rest in peace!

 **Vanessa** \- You can go congratulate your wife now that she has closed the portal and Ross has defeated the remaining monsters! I think I should give the two of you the week off, especially now that we have arrived at Rausten. Feel free to go shopping or whatever you want. And here are your pays!


	19. Darkling woods

**Attention all** — We are almost there! Hang out a little longer and have fun killing any evil monster you see. Just keep in mind that dragon meat is poisoned so I guess you should all understand the rest.

**Amelia** — Nice job breaking the enemies' first line of defense with only one slim sword as a weapon! Not so nice job screaming like a little girl when your sword broke though. I know you are a girl but you are among the most badass unit in our army but you should at least keep in mind the durability of the weapon you are using.

**Artur** — You have a fair advantage against our monster enemies so I will just give you this Shine tome. Make good use of it! Also, please ask General Seth to give up the idea of becoming an idol and give him this silver spear.

**Breguet** — I see that you have decided to shave your head. May I know why? "So that I will look as badass as General Wallace" is not an excuse, nor "because real men use their bare head" before headbutting a gargoyle. I know you have a thigh crane but please stop this nonsense! We are almost at the final fight and I don't want to lose an important element just because he "broke his head off."

**Caelach** — That's it! I'm going to assassinate you. … Why the heck did you volunteer to fight these Cyclops and threw your weapon at Prince Joshua? Your stupid plan almost made us lose one important unit. … And no; I do not think you are a good unit! I am talking about Prince Joshua!

**Colm** — I am once again left confused by your abilities. I never thought you would go as far as to ask Tethys for some dancing lessons and use these abilities in the middle of the battlefield to charm our enemies. At least it worked… but would you mind changing back into your thief outfit now? I know you don't mind wearing that dress but some of us are feeling very uncomfortable.

**Cormag** — Thank you for taking care of these gargoyles while Vanessa and Lute were making out! It is the first time I am glad we recruited you. Really; I thought you were useless but I am taking back what I thought. You do have some use; you can fight small enemies while our elite are taking a little pause.

**Dozzla** — I am seeing what you are planning to do! Get away from these eyeballs! How many times do I have to tell you to stop with that "eyecandy crusher" joke?

**Duessel** — I see that you are seeing the positive aspects of life but abruptly saying in the middle of the battlefield that you wish that your adopted son should name his first daughter Daen was too random. Please just focus on crushing some zombies! Also, where did that name come from?

**Eirika** — Please stop screaming, Princess! Just because you were surrounded by a dozen of zombie doesn't mean there's a zombie apocalypse. Shall I remind you your weapon is very effective against them so stop calling for your wives to "protect you".

**Ephraim** — And here we go again! Why, Milord? Why is it you are always making it a drama scene every time we encounter Prince Lyon? You are among my favorite Lord from all Fire Emblem games so why is it you are so…so…how do I say it? So…dramatic (?)

**Ewan** — Shut up! I know I am both breaking the fourth wall and using wrong terms. How about you just take this Elfire tome and burn some trees while Ross is fishing?

**Fado** — Milord! Please at least remove your armor before diving into the lake! I know your daughter said she wished we could have seafood salad for diner but it was not a reason to go fishing fully equipped to track piranhas.

**Forde** — Get very far away from that gargoyle! Your silver sword won't be able to save your life against them. They're spear users, should I remind you.

**Franz** — No; I am not calling you Ferrari so that you two brothers could match your names! Does that even make any sense?

**Garcia** — Yeah! I am also planning of retiring once this thing is all over. I don't know if I should have a trip into another continent or just find a quiet island in Rausten to spend the remaining of my day in. I guess I will opt for the second one since we never know if I will get engaged to be the tactician of another group of crazy people.

**Gheb** — I am still 25 years old though. Why do you ask? Because I said I am too old for these shits? What the actual fuck?

**Glen** — That cat is so cute! Where did you find it again? Ah; I see, it was hiding in the bushes. Since you brought this out, how about you become our army's pet's nurse since it looks like most animals love you?

**Guillam** — Thank you for the tea you brought! I see that you have more use than I thought.

**Hayden** — Milord! What are you doing? Please stop strangling that Minotaur. Can't you see it's already dead? Its ribs are already spreading all around the battlefield. I know that it has attempted to flip your daughter's skirt but that isn't a reason to be this cruel.

**Innes** — Oh god! What happened to you head? It's bleeding like a waterfall! … So, Prince Ephraim told you to use your head more often so you took his advice literally and headbutted a Centaur? Now, be a good boy and go find Lute so she could heal that… She is busy making out with her wife? Then, ask Father Moulder in that case.

**Ishmaire** — I am not giving you a killing blade anymore! Take this slim sword and now go fight against these annoying eyeballs since you have among the best magical resistance in our army. The reason you ask? That's because you get too cocky, always leaning on the chance of getting a critical against the enemy, forgetting that having 60% or 70% of chance doesn't guarantee your attack from being a total success.

**Joshua** — Why are you chasing me with that Shamsir, Milord? Are you that angry because I lessoned you Mother about her recklessness? Then, please grow up, Milord!

**Knoll** — Shut your mouth! I am not going to another continent just because you had a vision about a certain Ike or something like that. I am done being a tactician. When all this shit will be over, I am going on a tropical island and will be enjoying the rest of my life working as an innkeeper.

**Kyle** — Don't you dare critic my choice of work, saying that Knights are better than merchants! Beside, these are two things that shouldn't even be compared. Now, returns to the battlefield or you can say goodbye to this brave sword I have here in my possession.

**L'Arachel** — Just because Kyle didn't take the brave sword doesn't mean I can give it to you. You can't even equip it. You think it's unfair that Valkyries in later games can use swords? Then, just travel dimension and express these thoughts of your to Mist or someone else. I am tired of hearing complains.

**Lute** — Oh god! Please get your tongue out of Vanessa's mouth. She is already running out of breath. Also, we are in the middle of the battlefield. Yes; I know that Myrrh is strong enough to burn them all with a powerful breath but you are not being paid to make out on the battlefield. Now, get your asses moving and take care of that zombie dragon.

**Marisa** — No! It's not a zombie apocalypse! I just managed to convince the Princess that she was mistaken so why did you have to make my life this harder. Now, drop that chainsaw and grab this wind sword. There's a horde of Cyclops waiting to be defeated at the north.

**Moulder** — Would you mind giving me another massage? My shoulders are very stiff right now.

**Myrrh** — Please remember that your dragonstone has limited uses. And no, I am not going to abuse my power as an avatar to create a glitch in which you could steal your father's "dark breath". And do not ask me why you don't also have an infinite breath attack; I don't know and personally don't really want to bother thinking about it.

**Natasha** — Seven word; what the hell happened to your innocence? I know that the Princess was scared of these zombies but it was not a reason to wear a costume and pretend to be a vampire, asking the Princess for her blood or else you might die. We all know how naïve and kind she can be so of course she will never deny it if it's for the sake of someone in the army. Now, drop that costume and take this Aura tome.

**Neimi** — Just because the King Hayden is strangling a Minotaur doesn't mean you have to follow his example and just because the Prince Inness is headbutting everything doesn't mean you have to do that as well. You are not as strong as they are so just stick closer to your wife and support her fighting against these enemies' reinforcement.

**Orson** — Thank you for actually bringing some sense into the Prince Ephraim! Maybe I will have a talk with Knoll and Lute later so they could turn you back into a male. You don't want to? Fine in that case. You'll remain as a female.

**Rennac** — Now stop joining Dozzla with his "eyecandy crusher" shenanigan! I am forbidding you from ever fighting a monster enemy because you always cut them in piece and then sell their organs to your fellow mates.

**Riev** — This is our last warning! Surrender right now or… you know what? Do whatever sounds better to you. The result will be the same anyway.

**Ross** — I am forbidding you from reading any more book or manga whatever! Stop screaming that you are the "One Punch Man" while dropping your axe and punching everything in sign. You aren't even dealing any damage to them so get the fuck back here or I am calling you Genos!

**Saleh** — I am also forbidding you from reading any manga that anyone in this army might be giving you. You got all depressed after reading "Girl's Last Tour"? You think that war only bring bad things and refuses to fight any more? I agree with you. Leave the fighting to the others and wear this apron. You are responsible of cleaning the dishes from now on.

**Selena** — I know that removing Saleh from the battlefield will give you more jobs but it can't be helped. Also, one magic user in addition, one less; what does that change? You're already badass enough to take on the world. And please stop pointing that thunderbold tome at me. I know you are angry at me because I lessoned your wife but it was for her own good.

**Seth** — Stop giving everyone manga! They are getting in their head and most of them aren't working properly anymore. I know that you want to be useful but this isn't helping us at all.

**Syrene** — You are to stop reading that incest yuri manga right away! I know that "Candy Boy" has a deep plot but stop trying to flirt with your sister while saying that you want Vanessa and you to be the Kanade and Yukino of this continent. She is already married, shall I remind you? And no; you are not allowed to talk to her and make your relationship secret behind Lute's back. I am forbidding you from reading any more chapter of "NTR"!

**Tana** — I know that you really love that book you are reading but please get down to earth! Lady Natasha is abusing Princess Eirika right away and no one can stop these two but you. And no; you are not to take reference on them because you are planning on also writing your own manga.

**Tethys** — Congratulation! No; it was sarcasm, don't thank me! Why the hell did you have to show all these porn manga to Marisa? Fortunately, she was already done killing all the Cyclops or else… No, I am not planning on reading these manga! I don't care if you love "Corruption's Finale" or "Kiss me vampire girl" or even "G-taste"! Just… get out of my vision field for a while, will you?

**Valter** — You are never allowed to use any of these words from now on: tower, pillow, white, liquid, hole, deep, crap, full and overboard!

**Vanessa** — What song are you singing? "Ano mori de materu"? I think it's a nice song. So, your mother used to sing that? I see… You are such a nice child. However, when you sister tells you that the two of you should go NTR, you are to imperatively say "no", no matter what!


	20. Sacred Stones

**Attention all** — More monsters ahead! I know you are all very excited about either crushing skulls or making out in the middle of the battlefield but do not let your guard down. I still need everyone here alive for the reparation of the after war damage so be careful. Also, please keep prince Ephraim very far away from Prince Lyon!

**Amelia** — With a brave lance in hand, you are not to curse when the enemies double hit you. You might be able to attack twice but just look at your weapon's weight and compare it to your constitution first before attacking very fast hellhounds. Now, go find Sister Natasha for some first aid assistance. Also, please do something about that bleeding head of yours.

**Artur** — I am glad you finally returned into your senses! Now, take this aura tome and vapor anything you see!

**Breguet** — When I gave Artur carte blanche to destroy everything he say, it _wasn't_ a cue for you to roar like a madman and charge at the nearest wall with your head! First off, that order wasn't even directed to you and secondly, what the heck is with your head? The impact was enough to break a skull and yet you got no scratch. What? You trained for it? Whatever… _(He's even odder than I thought.)_

**Caelach** — Give me that axe and take this silver sword! Are you trying to make me angry by only challenging sword-wielding skeletons? I know they have very low accuracy but one lucky critical hit and you go to your grave… Though, after a long though, take back your axe and go fight against the skeleton holding a Shamsir! _(It will give me less problem to deal with once the war is over.)_

**Colm** — Stop stealing Tethys's underwear so you could sell them to Marisa at "1/2" price!

**Cormag** — It's official! I am going to keep your allowance to build a pet care once this will be done. No, it's not a sarcasm. I truly think you have a talent with taming wild cats and dogs. It's a compliment; really!

**Dozzla** — Yeah… *sigh* Go; eyecandy crusher! _(Well… If he die, I could always have Father Moulder becoming Lady L'Arachel's "slave" in exchange.)_

**Duessel** — Stop "vroom" "vrooming" on me! I know Forde and you have become very close to each others lately because you "fuel" him but please stop that! And no, you are not going to adopt a bunch child once this war is over and name them Nissan, Mazda, Mercedes and Hyundai just because Forde has asked you too. _(Though you may adopt as many as you want, just do not give them weird names!)_

**Eirika** — Where did that sunglass came from? I know you want to look badass just like the remaining of our tropes but giving a middle finger to everything while singing a rap cover of "fuck the police" was a little too much!

**Ephraim** — Please stop crying? Where did your backbone disappear to? I know it's tragic that "lovers" has to end that way but it can't be helped. If writing a manga would help you feel better then please do so but please stop crying while screaming to Prince Lyon's face lines like "So, our love was nothing to you?"

**Ewan** — I admit it was very brave of you to tank charge at these hellhounds with a Luna spell but you never expected them to be that fast, right? Now, go ask Lute to use the Mend staff to heal you! What; Colm stole it? Then, go see Lady L'Arachel! If she is "busy" with the Princess, please just wait quietly until they are done. That's your punishment!

**Fado** — I see that you look good with these sunglasses while holding a large silver blade but then roaring that you are going to send the Prince Lyon in the pussy hell was too much! Do you even what the implications behind that, milord?

**Forde** — Stop giving Lord Duessel weird ideas and take this Spear! *sigh* Look! There are dozens of gargoyles going this way. Good luck with that!

**Franz** — You ask me if liking traps make you gay? Of course! Even if they look like girls, they are still male because they have male genitals! Now, stop saying bullshits and go help your brother!

**Garcia** — When this war will be over, I will gladly visit that bar you are talking about. For now, show me what you truly are made up!

**Gerik** — When I told Garcia to show me his skills, it wasn't a cue for you to strip off your shirt and doing 1000 push-ups to show that you deserves these 8 pack of abs of yours! Now, put back your shirt on and take this axe! And no, I am not someone who "can't enjoy true art"! It's not just because I would rather you wear your clothes on that I hate nudists.

**Gheb** — Of course if the Princess Eirika had feelings for Lady Myrrh, she would be a lolicon. Despite her age, she is still a child. Also, why are we having this talk in the first place?

**Glen** — Next time you say "oil", I'm going to totally cut your prime money and use it to buy myself a lamp! Of course, there is that huge lamp I had my eyes on for a while now.

**Guillam** — Just because I said that doesn't mean I am a corrupted politician trying to abuse the weak! _(Though I admit I would turn into one at this rate.)_

**Hayden** — Stop joining Lord Fado's "pussy hell" shenanigan! Also, I know that Longbow is practical but its weight is slowing you down.

**Innes** — I am forbidding you from trying to "talk some idea" into the Prince Ephraim! You are not to advice him to give his manga the title Re:zero and put the protagonist in between a girl and a cat "Trap"!

**Ishmaire** — Where did you go, milady?

**Joshua** — What do you mean by "I hid her in someplace you will never find."? Do you at least realize that we are almost at the last boss and need all our manpower, including your mothers'?

**Knoll** — Stop making joke of everyone's names! What would you do if someone teased you do knoll _(knock)_ it off? Wait! What are you doing? Stop pointing that Nosferatu spell at me!

**Kyle** — Please help me stop King Hayden and Kind Fado with their shenanigans! Also, just because everyone is wearing sunglasses, you have to wear one as well.

**L'Arachel** — Did you happen to see Ewan? I asked him to go look after you? No? Then, where did that boy disappear again?

**Lute** — Thank you for finding Queen Ishmaire for me but not so good job handing her to her mistress! How come Lady Selena is beating her that much? Did you give them idea for some S &M play? No? Then, why?

**Marisa** — Stop buying your wife's underwear from Colm! I know that you want to do it to "protect your wife's intimacy by getting them before anyone else could" but please give some thought into it! And that doesn't mean killing Colm! We still need it alive since not even Amelia will be able to stop Neimi from crying if her childhood friend ever died assassinated.

**Moulder** — This tea is really delicious! What is it? Darjeeling, Assam, Orange Pekoe, Rosehip?

**Myrrh** — What is that song you have been muttering for a while now? Katyusha? It's a good son! But you also like Chant de l'onion, right? *sigh* I'm glad I'm not the only one then. Also, please to not try to seduce the Princess is you please. I wouldn't want to deal with a court after someone sues her for being a lolicon.

**Natasha** — Thank you for killing the remaining eyeballs Dozzla has failed to defeat! You may see the Princess Tana now for some "special training". _(I seriously don't even want to know.)_

**Neimi** — Same as always! Please go assist your wife! I seriously can't leave her out of my eyesign for a minute without her getting into some deep shit.

**Orson** — What was that soup you gave me? What? There was poison in it? You son of a… What? April's fool? The heck?!

**Rennac** — You are not to help Colm steal other people's underwear! Please just go pick the treasure chests around here.

**Riev** — Shut the hell up! I am not going to do the chicken dance with you so we could seal our alliance pact! Trust me, once this will be over, I will have the King Hayden turn you into a living target for their training archer.

**Ross** — Just because Gerik has been spreading rumors about me being a hater of nudist doesn't mean I am one! I might not really appreciate them but I do respect everyone's choice in life. Now, please put some pants on and go finish these annoying hellhounds!

**Saleh** — Are you done writing your testament and last will just in case? Then, take this Aura tome and good luck trying to weaken the Prince Lyon!

**Selena** — When I said manpower, it didn't mean I meant the Queen Ishmair was a man! It was just an expression. Now, please stop beating your mistress because she/he lied to you!

**Seth** — So, you gave up on your dream to become an idol, hun? And you will return into being a knight? My condolences in that case if the last concert didn't go well. However, remember that you could always sing and dance for the fun. You could have another job while being a part-time singer. They are very popular nowadays.

**Syrene** — Stop making your sister reading yuri incest books!

**Tana** — I am glad that you brought the last hit to defeat the Prince Lyon but then laughing at your brother because he was too slow to give the blow was very childish. I know the two of you don't get along well but will you please stop this at once!

**Tethys** — Whatever… So that Colm and Rennac wouldn't steal your underwear, you gave them all to your wife…? _(I am so done trying to comment.)_

**Valter** — Since I'm telling you that Saitama is stronger than Goku! If he was given the knowledge to properly use his ki, I am sure he will be the toughest character even in the world of animation!

**Vanessa** — Cosplay you say? That sounds good! Let us all have a cosplay contest while fighting the last boss. It will be the same anyway! So, what is the theme? Touhou, Sword Art Online, Tokyo Ghoul, Shingeki no Kiyojin, K-on and Akame ga Kill, hun? Sound good!


End file.
